Judgement of Others (and Myself)

"We can never judge the lives of others,

because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.

It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path,

but it's another to think that yours is the only path."

-Paulo Coelho

Judgement. It's one of my biggest pet peeves and I got to thinking about it a lot this evening while I was driving home from work. In my first blog post I said one of the things I wanted to work on this year was not comparing myself to others. While I was driving, I had a sudden epiphany--by comparing myself to others I am judging them. I am taking what I see on Facebook and hear from mutual friends, and assuming that their lives are so much better than mine, so much easier, but honestly, what the hell do I know?!

I was talking to a friend today and we got on the subject of relationships. She asked about a relationship that I had recently been in, that ended about a month ago. We not only discussed relationships, but love and men in general. I said to her, "You know, I look on Facebook and I see a lot of our peers getting engaged, married, and/or having children, and I can't help thinking, what the hell is wrong with me? When will it be my turn?" I don't think it's wrong for me to be thinking these things--I have never been the most patient person--and I think my biggest problem is my own capacity to love. I tend to love unconditionally, and never receive it back. Instead of thinking, "maybe it's not my time to settle down yet" I think, "what the hell is wrong with me that no guy loves me?" But is there anything wrong with me? Of course I have my faults. I am in no way close to being perfect. But I do have a lot to offer. I am me and that should be enough.

I feel that I am judged for three main things:

1. The way I look (specifically my weight)
2. The fact that I still live at home
3. The fact that I don't have a "career"

To address #1: I know I'm not beauty queen pretty. I know that I am a full-figured woman in a world where being skinny is everything. I'm working on my weight, but not because I want to conform to society's view on what is beautiful, but because I want to make myself a priority in my own life and that means being more healthy. As a verteran online dater, it's hard when I see all these people look at my profile and not say anything to me or ignore my messages to them. Why state in your profile that what you're looking for is a sweet girl with a compassionate heart who can bring out the best in you? Nowhere does it mention that you must be skinny to fulfill the position. It's frustrating to me and not to mention disheartening. I want someone to accept me for me, whether I'm a size 4 or 40. I think I have some pretty qualities; my hair can be nice when the weather cooperates, I love my eye color, and have been told that I have really nice lips. What about me is not good enough? Why am I judged based on how I look?

To address #2: I live at home because I don't have a lot of money. I am a college graduate who is trying to pay off her college loans. Mind you, they are pretty expesive and I was a commuter who went to a state school. I also live in very affluent area so to find a place for a decent price in my locale is very hard to come by. Yes, I live at home, but I also pay all my own bills. Just because I don't have my own place doesn't mean I'm irresponsible or dependent. It means that I am not perfect, I probably spent more money than I should as a teenager (i.e. when I first entered college, I needed to have all new books, none used. I would have saved myself a ton of money if I had realized used books are a lot better sooner; I could have gone to community college for free but refused to because I was too snotty), and I only work part-time so all my money goes towards bills.

To address #3: When I went to college, I opted to get my degree in something I love rather than something practical. I went for a liberal arts degree (literature with a concentration in creative writing), and didn't want to go for teaching. I have been trying for a year and half to get a full time job as a copy writer, journalist, something in a publishing company or a newspaper, secretary, office manager, basically anything full time to get myself into "the working world". To those of you that are unaware, the economy is not the greatest at the moment. All the publishing companies seem to want someone with experience, not entry level. You think I like not being able to work in my field? And to be honest, I am a very hard worker. When I realized that my retail job was just covering my bills and I had no comfort zone (I couldn't call out if I was sick because I couldn't afford it) and I couldn't get a full time job anywhere, I opted to get a second part-time job to help pay my bills. I have found that a lot of people are negative towards this, treating me like I'm garbage because I work two jobs. Umm, excuse me but who are you to judge? I actually had a coworker make a comment to me saying "well at least I didn't graduate college...how long ago now?...and I still work at Acme." This infuriates me to no end! At least I have a job...actually I have two. I do what I need to do to pay my bills while I continue to search for a full time job.

Why can't people look at me for me? Why can't people see the girl who had to grow up at 9 years old to take care of her baby (literally, an infant) sister because her parents were getting a divorce? Why can't people see the girl that worked her ass off in high school to get into a good college? Why can't people see the girl who started working at 15 to gain some type of independence? Why can't people see that I'm a sweet, kind, caring, compassionate, loving girl who just wants to be loved in return? Maybe it's just too much to ask.

And I am just as guilty with the judgements. I get frustrated (and jealous) when I see people flaunt their "perfect lives" on Facebook--you know, they have the fiance/full time job/own place. And I'm still stuck living at home, working two part-time jobs, sleeping by myself with a heart that's been broken many a time. But the truth is, I don't know the truth about their lives. I don't know how hard they had to work to get their job. I don't know how many times they had to have their heart broken until they found the right one. I don't know them, and I shouldn't assume they have the perfect life that I so desire. It's a vicious cycle and I think a lot of us do it. And it's not right.

So, I'm going to work on stopping the cycle. I'm going to stop judging my life based on others, and I'm going to stop worrying about others judging me. Because the truth is I am me and I am good enough. And I deserve nothing less than that.

I'll keep you posted xo